Dear Ted: Family gatherings — A chance for healing and being present

The Taos News has committed to a weekly column to help educate the community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Ted,

I found your recent column on “Cold, darkness and the holidays — a tough combination” particularly appropriate for me. I have always suffered from seasonal adjustment disorder, “SAD.” I appreciate your acknowledgement of the social requirement that we all be happy and smile this time of year. Some days, I wish we could all hibernate until spring! Thank you for reminding me that it is OK to have these thoughts and feelings. I do have a particular issue I’d like help with. This year, we traveled to a family Thanksgiving gathering. As time progressed, my 4-year-old granddaughter decided she no longer “liked” me. She became verbally abusive, bullying and truly nasty. I know she’s only 4, but I was hurt and triggered. It brought back unpleasant memories of being bullied as a child. I felt myself emotionally pulled back, even as she warmed up before I returned home. How am I to handle this? Should I just try to move on and forget it? Help!

Dear Help,

I hear your concern over this experience and find most people who attend family gatherings will have some experience that caused them to experience a difficult situation that would not leave their mind or heart after the gathering ended. My guess is you have a parallel process happening in which your young self that was bullied is upset, angry and withdrawn, while your adult self is concerned about your granddaughter and her behavior, as well as the loving and coveted relationship you hope to nurture for the rest of your life. With that in mind, knowing that occasionally a 4-year-old will melt down at some point during a family gathering and often will go after someone they feel safe to have that meltdown with. (Which is worthwhile to mention.)

Choosing to talk with her parents and see how they suggest you can help support their parenting actions when their child is acting out can allow you to keep boundaries while honoring and demonstrating that hurtful actions are not accepted within the family. For your own process, you may have been given the opportunity to see the bullying that happened in your past is still alive and can trigger you deeply. You may choose to explore these historical wounds with a professional in order to help you navigate your life as the conscious adult that still has feelings, but does not have to have the past control the present.

Family gatherings can be wonderful as well as stressful. Learning boundaries, communication and love may be a difficult tightrope to walk. We all have times during which this is easier than other times, especially when we are emotionally triggered. Navigating these emotions to make healthy decisions can feel like a real obstacle course.

Giving your granddaughter room to grow and learn how to be authentic with her emotions – and yet respectful of yourself – would be a beautiful gift. Communicating with her parents to allow consistency and congruency in parenting is so important and can allow family gatherings to be a time to come together rather than be a time to create gaps within the family. I wish you well. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct questions to Wiard, founder, at (575) 776-2024 or gwr@newmex.com.