Addiction, relapse and recovery: The connection to loss

Dear Ted:

I find myself baffled and confused and remembered you had once written about a connection between addiction and loss. I had a major loss this past year and found myself drinking after 10 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. This relapse surprised me and shook me to the core. I am happy to say that I am back on my recovery program and now have two days sobriety and will continue one day at a time. Please help me understand how loss impacts recovery. Thank you, Baffled.

Dear Baffled:

I commend you for choosing to take the steps to re-establish your sobriety and use the tools that have worked for you for a decade. Many people focus on the relapse rather than what led to the relapse and what is needed to regain a place of sobriety. I am sure you are not alone in relapsing, as addiction is a disease that is hard to understand and needs continuous monitoring in order to maintain an emotional state that allows the healthy thinking process to override the voice in the head and body that demands, “I must use my drug of choice to survive.”

When you experience a loss, it can cause emotional distress, which will cause pain. When there is pain, the brain immediately seeks ways to decrease the pain. If you are an addict, your brain immediately turns to your drug of choice to subside the emotional pain, as the brain is only trying to stop the pain in that moment — not for the long run. It takes discipline, outside support and the miraculous transformational process of overriding the demand to use the thing while enabling healing on many levels.

As you consciously heal from historical losses in your life, your brain can see that it is possible to heal from loss without relapsing into past modalities of covering emotional distress. And as there is more emotional sobriety, there is less chance of sliding down into the trap of relapse. Finding appropriate supports that work for you is the key to sobriety, and these supports are from external sources, not only your own internal thinking process.

You may find that recovery programs, therapy, support groups, religious/spiritual communities, service for others and most likely a combination of many different supports will help build a foundation for your recovery, so that when life strikes with an emotional stressor, you can lean on your supports to help you through the storm. The piece that is difficult to remember is that in the midst of that storm, you have a toolbox to help you. However, it is very easy to forget that you have amazing tools to help you on your path of healing and recovery and not open the toolbox. Remember to breathe. You are not alone. Whatever turmoil the moment presents will eventually subside. Those are some of the ways to settle the brain and make the call for help to someone who is healthy and can be a witness and emotional backboard as you allow health and serenity to return to your internal and external world. I wish you well. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct questions to Wiard, founder, at (575) 776-2024 or gwr@newmex.com.